I have been thinking about how everything just feels dammed up with my life. I have felt no forward progress. I would love to say it’s just a recent thing, but every instant that I realize this clog is in my life, I always seem to find a way to let myself know that it’s temporary. Surely if I make an effort to dislodge, the river will start moving again. But at this very instance, I’m realizing that I am no longer able to see how far back it has been since I haven’t felt this way. When was the last time I have felt like my life is going somewhere? It is surely more than a decade and now I’m thinking that it may be jammed up for good.
In that ten years (or more?) I have heard every piece of advice possible to help let loose the giant wads of shit that come from all areas of my life to form this dam. Career shit, love life shit, health shit. If you’re reading this, chances are you are a person who has offered up your opinion of how to fix it. Thank you for that. In some cases I’ve used your advice and in most of those cases I have been able to get to a point where I at least feel like the dam is ready to break. In many cases I listened to your advice but didn’t use it. I apologize for that. I didn’t mean for you to waste your breath and my lack of effort on your advice is a likely a major factor in why the blockage holds firm despite all of my other efforts.
I am tired though. I’m exhausted from leaning against this wall and pushing on it with all my might. I am feeling like a beaten man. I’m weary from searching this wall for structural flaws. Places where I can give one good hack at the joist and tear it down in an instant. There is no one small section of this wall that I can pull out that will crumble it like a Jenga stack. Every night I fall asleep with the intention of taking small steps to tear this down shitbrick by shitbrick tomorrow, but every morning I wake up to find that there have been more bricks added than I’m willing to break off today and that disheartened feeling crumbles only my ambition to remove any bricks at all.
Promises of tomorrow are no longer acceptable. I am not willing to let this stand another decade. Today I will remove more bricks than the rest of the world can add. If it breaks my back and blisters the hand which carried the heaviest load, I will. This river must flow again. I cannot sit in this place any longer.
Been here?
10 Comments
would it help if i sent photos of my boobs? because i want you happy, dear jerry. you are so funny and smart, i just find it so difficult to imagine that you are struggling with such unhappiness. unfortunately i have no brilliant suggestions for how to break through, but i wanted you to know that i am thankful that you have decided to do whatever it takes to kick ass. please don’t hesitate to holler if there you find that there is something i can do to assist from here in pittsburgh.
xoxo,
becky
Ya, been there, still there in some ways. I know I have heard (and convinced myself) that sometimes shit-ass luck or circumstances are cyclical but I cannot believe it anymore because I know too many other people in addition to myself that just get caught in a vortex of bullshit that seems overwhelming.
In other words, I wish so much I had some great, witty advice or direction but all I can say is I hope sincerely things do improve because brother you ain’t wrong about a decade being about 9 years and 11 months and 29 days too long to feel like the universe’s personal dumping ground.
Am there.
Tearing down a wall like that is supposed to break your back and blister your hands, otherwise you don’t learn anything. It’s like sacrificing a virgin: you don’t want to reduce the number of virgins in your village but sacrificing the town whore just doesn’t sting as much.
I’m rooting for you, Jer. Get that wall down so you can see the sun.
Been there? I live there.
I’m finally in the moment of tearing down the walls…every time I get one side fixed, another is fucked up. So yes, I get it completely. I hope you rock it this year.
There is no magic wand. There is no battering ram to take down the wall. There are no words of wisdom from me. For those who have been there, or are there, only empathy can be offered. No one can walk in your shoes.
Having said that, I hope that you will soon find the crack in the wall or the dam that will open your life to a brighter future.
Best wishes and try to stay strong
Man….I need to stop pity-dialing the internet in the middle of the night.
nope. you don’t need to stop dialing the internet. middle of the night or otherwise, we are here for you!
No way, keep pity dialing us! This is why were are here…this community of renegades.
Hi, Jerry.