By Popular Demand I Present To You: How To Eat Coochie

I’d like to start by thanking my readers for the many requests to share one of my true passions. When I was younger, I was naive. I thought that just because I liked to try the many flavors this world has to offer, that everyone did. As I grow older I find that my adventurous palate is a feature that sets me apart from many others who are too picky to try new tasting experiences. They have patterns for eating that prevent them from trying new things. For example, if you eat a hot dog day in and day out, certainly, you may never develop a liking for oysters. It’s certainly natural.

Many have dabbled in sushi or have been tempted to try snails. Among the adventurous eaters, these are certainly the basics in food suited for the advanced palates. But if you are to get more creative with your ingestibles, you haven’t really scratched the surface until you’ve devoured the likes of tangy snapper, mussel pie, moose lips, or the very rare otter wallet. Coohie is another one of those unique delectables and with the few steps provided below I hope that after reading this article, you won’t be afraid to put your tongue to it.

Step 1: Be sure to procure fresh coochie. It’s definately much harder to find than coochie that is a little bit older (maybe even stale), like the kind you can find at any corner Gas N Sip, but if you go to the extra effort to get it fresh, trust me, you will be rewarded for it. Fresh coochie can be easily identified by its odor. Much like shopping for fish, if it smells fishy, it’s not fresh. Although unlike fish mongers, those who have fresh coochie available are not always willing to let you sniff before purchase ..or…um …I mean…..procurement. Purchasing coochie is not a sure way to insure freshness. Hunting wild coochie is a better way to go, though harder to come by. This next part may sound strange for a dining experience, but you may need to tell the coochie provider you love them before they will give you the coochie. Don’t worry though, you don’t have to mean it.

Step 2: Don’t just dive right into your coochie without a solid plan for preparation. Take your time. Unwrap your coochie carefully and inspect it for freshness and flaws. Be sure to turn it over and check the back side. Wash your coochie thoroughly and check it for pin bones by gently running your fingers along it. Remove with pliers, if necessary. Similar to lobsters boiling, people often think they hear their coochies scream in agony at this stage, but don’t worry, the pain is over before they know what happened. Some people like to pluck their coochie before eating but I find the feathers add a nice texture.

Step 3: Never eat cold coochie. From my own personal experience, I’ve found that coochie is most enjoyable at approximately 100 degrees Farenheit, though temperatures may vary. It should always be tender and juicy. If it’s tough, throw the coochie out immediately. There is always more coochie to be had. It is definately ok to stuff a coochie as part of the preparation. Check with your coochie provider. They are often ready with insightful ideas for stuffing recipes, though sausage is the most traditional (not vienna).

Step 4: Choose a setting. It’s most common to eat coochie indoors and it’s the one meal most often served in the bedroom, though it is ok to eat coochie in any room of your house. I wouldn’t suggest the garage, but whatever floats your boat. Eating coochie in a restaurant is very difficult, but not impossible. You can also eat coochie at a picnic, but I suggest bringing a comfortable blanket to put beneath you to help keep ants off the coochie.

Step 5: Coochie is not a food you eat with a fork and a knife, and if you bring a spoon to the meal it would just be ridiculous. If you’re not eating it with your fingers, you’re just not getting the full coohie-eating experience. It’s not uncommon to serve coochie with liberal amounts of alcohol, but there is a point of diminishing returns. You may also serve it with a sauce. I recommend chocolate, but I have a sweet tooth. Tabasco is probably not a good idea. Some people like to serve coochie with fruit. Two large melons would be a nice accompaniment.

I do hope these steps come of great use to you, and often. It would be a great shame for you to go your whole life without at least trying coochie, if not making a daily meal. If you take the time and follow all of these steps, coochie will be the one food that almost seems like it enjoys being eaten. This won’t be true if done improperly. Coochie has actually been known to wrap itself back up and leave the dining area if not treated with great care.

Sure, you can go back to eating hot dogs if that’s your thing. No one will blame you for not being adventurous. If all you ever did to coochie was poke at it with a big stick, you’d still probably be ok, but there’s a reason that great chefs around the world are known for devouring coochies with a fierce passion. Emeril Lagasse is known to like his coochie steamed. Bobby Flay apparently likes his coochie poached. And the world’s foremost coochie eating chef, Julia Child is said to have liked her coochie over easy.(if this doesn’t get me to #1 on the google search for “how to eat coochie”, I don’t know what will)